If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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