Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
