Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
