I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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