I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
