Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
