It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
