Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
