My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
