just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize