Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
