Umm I'm too high to move.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
