I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
