I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
