a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
