Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
