Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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