He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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