On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
