i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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