I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
40s are totally the cure
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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