If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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