Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
