Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize