so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
