As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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