you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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