Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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