Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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