Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
