they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
