I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
