my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
