Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
