So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
