this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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