put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
