I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
