well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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