the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
