Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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