I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
