I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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