i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
