having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
