apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
