It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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