break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
