dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
