please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I deserve this hangover.
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