I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
home. puking in laundry basket.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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