I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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