i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize