Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
