I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
