i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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