He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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